


I'm Still Scared

by mggislife2789



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, Car Accidents, F/M, Pregnancy, Reader-Insert, Schizophrenia, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-14 02:49:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15379065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mggislife2789/pseuds/mggislife2789
Summary: Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters or their original stories. This is only for fun. It's where my brain goes after the credits roll. No copyright intended. Better safe than sorry. ;)





	I'm Still Scared

A smile painted the canvas of her face but all he could see was black and white. That little plus sign would change them. All he’d wanted in life was happiness - to find someone to love and love them with his whole heart. He had. It was her and she was everything. 

Yes, he’d always wanted kids - more than anything, but as time went on he realized what he would be doing to those children. What if they ended up like his mother? To have the child he loved battling their own brain or losing it entirely…he couldn’t imagine a pain more caustic. And how he had to live it. 

“Baby?” She asked, the smile fading from her face under the dim lights of the apartment. “Baby, what’s wrong? I thought…”

“Thought what?”

Her heart thudded in her chest. “I thought you’d be happy. We’ve talked about this…”

“About the idea,” he said softly, gently collapsing into the couch. “I love kids. I’d want them, but…but with what lurks in my head? I’ve never wanted to pass that on to a child.”

They’d talked about kids countless times before, but never about having them, just about how much they both loved kids and could see themselves as good parents. “Just because your mom has been down that road doesn’t mean our child will.”

“But it’s possible.”

“Spence, it’s always possible! Even parents with the cleanest bill of health can have a child that has problems.” This was the last thing she’d pictured when she imagined telling Spencer that she was pregnant with their child. Of course, he’d be afraid - she was too - but he’d be happy, excited to watch the child they created grow into a beautiful human being. “I’m scared yea, but this is a piece of you and a piece of me that we can love and nurture and…”

“We both have to get to work,” he said, standing up from the couch and grabbing his go bag. As he slung it over his shoulder, he refused to make eye contact. He couldn’t bear to see the disappointment in her eyes - in him. He had no idea how he was supposed to handle this. A baby…what had he put upon this child? “We can talk later.”

“Talk about what?” She screamed. “What? Are you going to walk out because you can’t bear to possibly watch a child get sick 20 years down the road? What? Spence, I don’t understand why you’re not happy about this.”

“Because I’m fucking petrified!” His voice strained with each word. His head was pounding and his throat was dry. “Remember what I said when I said I know what it’s like to be afraid of your own mind? I never wanted a child to have to go through that. Not my baby.”

His eyes scanned the apartment and caught a quick glimpse of Y/N, tears streaming down the planes of her face. “I’m going to be late for work and so are you. We can talk later. I just…I-I need time to think this through.” With that, he walked out the door and did his best to ignore the choking sob that was locked behind the wooden frame.

——

After Spencer left the apartment, Y/N found herself sick to her stomach. Maybe it was morning sickness, maybe it was the fact that it seemed like her long-term boyfriend couldn’t stomach the idea of having a child together, but either way she couldn’t stop throwing up. Nonstop for nearly 20 minutes.

With the tremors still rolling through her, she decided it was probably best not to be behind the wheel. If she needed to throw up again, she’d be able to just duck into an alley rather than run someone off the road trying to keep the puke off her clothes.

The crying had made her eyes puffy so she applied a bit of makeup before leaving the apartment. Walking there felt like walking through soup. She couldn’t think of anything else, that was until the sound of screeching tires ripped her out of her stupor. When she turned around, two cars were smashed together in the intersection. They both looked like potato chips - crumpled with crumbs on the floor. She’d just missed it.

Patting her stomach, she turned back around and headed again toward work. She and Spencer would have to talk later, but no matter what happened, she was going to love this baby with every fiber of her soul.

——

“Wow, kid, you look like hell.”

“Thanks, Rossi,” Spencer replied, the earlier news still weighing heavily on his soul. “Really appreciate it.” Before Rossi could ask what was bothering him, Emily came into the office in a huff. “What’s wrong with you?” He was grateful for the opportunity to focus on something else for a minute.

Emily spun around, her hair a mess from presumably running through the garage in a hurry. “There was a massive crash at the intersection of Fifth and Baylor so I was stuck in traffic and I meant to get here earlier to do some paperwork.”

“Fifth and Baylor?” Spencer’s heart dropped as Emily and Rossi continue speaking in the background.

Apparently, someone had fallen asleep behind the wheel and completely t-boned another car. The driver of the car that was hit had apparently been taken to the hospital. “I got out of the car to see if there was anything I could do to help,” she finished. “Spence, you okay?”

“You said Fifth and Baylor?”

She nodded.

“Did you happen to see the people involved in the accident?”

“No, I saw the cars, an old black Buick and a white Nissan of some kind. Why?”

“Y/N drives a white Nissan.” What if something had happened? What if she and the baby were gone? Their argument would be the last thing that happened between them. No. It couldn’t be. “We had a fight this morning.”

Rossi looked stunned, his trademark laid-back smile dropping away. “You and Y/N? You never fight about anything? What happened?”

He panicked. He panicked because he was scared and now she and the baby could be gone from his life forever. “She’s pregnant. I freaked out. With all my family health issues, I never thought about kids outside of an idea and I panicked.” He choked the last piece of the sentence out and turned to his chair, grabbing the coat and slipping it back on. “I have to go. I have to make sure she’s okay.”

Emily told him to take his time and keep the team updated. “Spence, it’s going to be okay.”

He hoped so. This morning couldn’t have been the last time he saw her. He was scared about the baby, but he was more scared of losing them. 

——

As he approached her building, he pulled the phone out of his pocket again, trying to call her for what felt like the 10th time in as many minutes. “Y/N, please pick up. If you’re there, please call me back, I-”

“What is it Spence?”

She interrupted his spiraling thoughts and the sound of her voice calmed his frantic heart. “Oh thank god. You’re okay.”

“Of course I’m okay. Spence, what’s wrong?”

“Emily told me about the crash on Fifth and Baylor. She told me that one of the cars was a white Nissan and I thought maybe something had happened to you and the baby and I-” He swung open the door, flashing his badge at the guard. Before either of them could say anything else, he was in the door and running up the stairs. “I’m at your office. I just…I-”

“I’ll meet you outside the office.”

She hung up the phone and walked outside, catching a quick glimpse of Spencer before he enveloped her in his arms. “You’re okay.” Every muscle in his body shook with fear. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” He hugged her tighter and then pulled away, kissing the top of her forehead. 

“Spence, I walked to work this morning. The car’s at home,” she said. She hadn’t even realized that one of the cars had been similar to hers. “After this morning, I started throwing up. I think it was morning sickness. I didn’t want to be shaky behind the wheel so I walked.”

Smiling, he kissed her again as a tear fell from his eye. “Nothing will convince me that that baby didn’t save your life,” he said, patting her stomach. “I’m so sorry about this morning.”

“You’re okay?” She asked.

“I’m still scared. Petrified really, but the thought that I’d lost you both hurt more than anything else I’ve ever felt. Almost nothing is a guarantee, but how much I love you is, and I’m in this for the long haul.”

She bit her lip and leaned her head against his chest. “I don’t want you to stay because you think it’s the right thing. I want you to want them.”

“I do,” he said quickly. “I really do. So much so that I’m petrified about them hurting before they’re even born, but I can’t control that. I can control how much I love them. I want this baby and I want you, okay? Forever.”

Standing up on her tiptoes, she pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. “Okay, good. And Spence? For the record. I’m scared too. But we’ll face any challenge together because that’s what good parents do.”


End file.
